The Katie Chronicles: Home Improvement Edition

Well, the good news is that we decided to tackle some house projects over the break. We — and by “we,” I mean mostly Jerome with assistance from Katie and me — got started this weekend with painting Katie’s room. I knew there’d by massive dust when we moved furniture that had been in place for years and I figured we’d also discover a variety of archeology finds under and behind things. Our dining room has become a staging area for all the things.

What I didn’t expect was how gross that room was. It’s amazing what you see when you get close to white wood trim in a kid’s room, although maybe “amazing” is the wrong word. I’m not sure exactly what she’s been doing in there. Surgery with dull instruments, maybe? Sword fighting? Running a bootleg slaughterhouse? When we moved the bed, we found...oh Lord, I can’t say it. There was a...oh boy...a secret booger collection on the wall that my lovely daughter claimed was from “when she was a baby.” 🤢 I’ll need to find a priest so I can go to confession later and purge my soul. Where did I go wrong, Jesus? Katie is paying penance by scrubbing that section of the wall — she volunteered! — and cleaning the the baseboards. (Those were just dirty, not booger-y).

Once I recovered from my booger-induced nausea, I was able to appreciate the cuteness of overhearing Rome answering Katie’s questions about painting and their general discussion about life. I love Daddy-daughter time, especially when it involves teaching baby girl a life skill. I’ve only had the occasional booger flashback. I’ll be all right.

The Katie Chronicles, Cherry-Flavored Beauty Edition

Katie’s at the age where she wants to start experimenting with how she looks. She hasn’t asked to wear makeup yet but she did ask for permission to color her hair...with Kool-Aid. Apparently this is all the rage with the middle school set. She asked to color just the ends and we initially said no.

A month or two ago, she asked for something else we said no to and she and I had a follow-up talk about how ask for what you want and how to be persuasive. Does it involve asking over and over and over? Whining? Begging and making crazy promises, like never asking for anything ever again? No. We talked about thinking through your request, considering all the pros and cons, including what questions the other person may have, and then thinking through all your counters to the cons and questions. We talked about timing — should you ask after Mom says she’s tired or has had a bad day or is rushing to get out of the house in the morning? — and so on. So when we first said no to the Kool Aid dye job, she countered with her written proposal.

Why i should be able to dye my hair with kool-aid

Why I feel like I should be able to dye my hair with kool-aid is because 1.) it will last longer 2.) it wont rub off on products such as shirts, pillows, and sheets, etc. 3.) it would not cost a lot because you only needed to buy the kool - aid 4) a lot of people have dyed their hair and they say that it all looks good and it does 5.) it would look good 6.) it's safer because there's no harmful chemicals 7.) since it's only sugar and color when I combine it with conditioner and water (which is what they say to do) the sugar would dissolve, so I wouldn't attract bugs etc. 8.) a lot of kids in my class have dyed their hair with kool aid and so has [friend’s name was here] 9.) there are not a lot of steps 10.) there are not a lot of things we would need. Since there are a lot of positives there are always downsides 1.) it takes a while to soak into the hair 2.) it could get a little messy (but everything is). These are some reasons why I think I should be able to dye my hair with kool-aid. Here is a video talking about how to do it: [video link was here]

So, after some discussion with Jerome, she got her way with some conditions. She spent part of yesterday afternoon sitting at the dining room table, working her Kool Aid magic. I feel like we both got something.

The Katie Chronicles: Motivating Mom Edition

While watching college football on Saturday, Katie and I were snuggling on the couch. With her signature sweetness, she put her hand on my cheek and rubbed it back and forth with a thoughtful look. Then she informed me that she thinks growing a beard and mustache is just a matter of effort. My darling daughter told me that the only reason I don't have a beard is I'm just not trying hard enough and I could do it if I really wanted to. I don't know if I should be humbled by her estimation of my potential, perturbed at the implication that I'm lazy, or just planning another discussion of secondary sex characteristics. #slacker

On Stumbling Blocks and Epic Takedowns

This morning’s Gospel reading and sermon were about stumbling blocks. The Bible mentions this concept several times and, if memory serves, stumbling block stories are mostly about not causing other people to stumble or sin through your own actions.  The reading meshed with something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, specifically the stumbling blocks I put in front of myself. 

My thoughts about this started a few months ago when I began to notice the number of links in my Facebook newsfeed that invited me to click and watch someone get told off, or to see someone doing something stupid or otherwise regrettable.  One day, it struck me how often I was invited by my newsfeed to watch someone at their worst, to not only watch but to revel it in it and I began to wonder about the intent of these links. The stated purpose seemed to imply it was just entertainment, but it was always at someone else’s expense.  It seemed pretty clear that I was supposed to watch and feel superior to the person who was featured in the link, whether it was someone doing or wearing something crazy in Walmart, or dealing with a situation differently than I would, or someone who I disagree with politically.  I used to click on a few of those things – the political ones are particularly tempting -- but once it became clearer to me about what was going on, I began to question my own participation in it.  My clicks felt OK because I wasn't sharing them.  I was just looking in private and the illusion was that viewing and feeling the emotions they were designed to elicit had no effect on how I treated others.  But those clicks were feeding something and I didn’t like what it was when I looked closer at it.  These weren’t news links that provided me with information about world events or funny links where everyone was in on the joke. These were links that only showed someone at their worst, with no context or additional information.  I realized that, by laughing at or judging someone’s embarrassment, or their ignorance, or their brokenness, I wasn’t living in the way I’m called to do.  I wasn’t treating people – yes, even people I’ve never met or who I highly disagree with -- in the way I wanted to be treated.  I wasn’t building a longer table to include them, I was building a fence to exclude them. 

But what about justice, my head said. If someone is doing something hateful and another person tells them off, isn’t that justice in action?  If a politician is ranting about the ethics of poor people while ignoring his own complicity in their poverty, isn’t it justifiable (not to mention satisfying) to see him confronted with this in a mic drop moment?  Yes, it is satisfying on some level, but it’s not justice.  Justice often requires speaking truth to power, but in a way that engages them in the solution.  Justice involves action that actually helps the victims. Telling someone off doesn’t do that.  It could even hurt because it can cause the recipient of the “takedown” to harden his position.    Being angry at injustice is understandable and can be beneficial if it motivates someone to take action to correct that injustice.  Telling off the prejudiced doesn’t do that. And watching this happen on Facebook links didn’t make me a better advocate for any victimized group.  It only made me feel superior to the person on the receiving end of the takedown and I decided it was morally corrosive for me.

So, I decided to do a little editing.  I stopped following pages that put out a lot of this kind of content and I unfollowed a couple of people who do the same.  I still see these links occasionally, and I am still not perfect in how well I resist the temptation.  The invitation to feel superior to others is powerful but it’s dangerous and I’m doing my best to change this, to be repelled by it instead of tempted by it.

The Katie Chronicles: Cake Rules Edition

Like all families, we have to negotiate the tsunami of junk food that swamps our kids daily. We have food rules but we are an "everything in moderation" family. Right now, we have leftover (homemade) chocolate cake at home and we were out at an event tonight where Katie was offered cake. She apparently accepted and enjoyed her cake. Later in the evening, when she told us about the small piece she had, I told her that she'd reached her limit and she couldn't have a piece of chocolate cake when we got home later. She protested this and told me that this wasn't fair because she was just following the rules. "When you are a kid and someone offers you cake, you *have* to take it, Mommy. You adults can say no because you can just go out and get your own cake anytime you want, but kids can't do that. We depend on cake being offered to us. So we have to take it when someone offers it. HAVE to."

This has become the Katie Mandatory Cake Acceptance rule. As the Chief Justice in the Court of Mom Law, I thought she presented a good case, so I must admit, I almost gave her the second piece of cake. Almost.

The Katie Chronicles: More Love Lessons Edition

Last evening involved multiple conversations about romance and relationships. Katie discovered earlier that day that a boy at her camp likes her. He LIKES her likes her. We talked about how she found out -- it was a Truth or Dare situation -- and how she feels about him. It turns out that she likes him only as a friend, even though he's a gymnast like her and he can do a roundoff with double back handspring, which is impressive. We talked about how much courage it takes to tell someone you like them, especially in front of others. (I think her introvert daddy would need therapy afterwards if he had to do that at 11...or 48). We also talked about how you should handle a situation in which someone likes you more than you like them, that is, very gently and kindly, but not in a way that sends mixed messages about whether you like them romantically.

Later, while we were loading the dishwasher, Katie asked me what that lady meant in the song about scrubs. I admit, I was momentarily distracted by the symmetry of being asked *about* scrubs *while* scrubbing. The question was, nonetheless, a little unexpected, as "scrubs" didn't figure in our earlier talk and she only hears the song during some Saturday morning chore sessions. After I told her the whole song is about the answer to her question, I described it in non-musical terms: It's a boy who has responsibilities like a baby he doesn't take care of and who talks big but doesn't work toward the goal. I ended with giving her the Oklahoma version: "He's all hat and no cattle, baby."

I would never have guessed that I'd be teaching my kiddo love lessons from awesome 90s R & B, but so be it. Take 'em as they come, I guess. At least she has good taste. #TeachUsTLC

City on a Hill: Some Thoughts on Immigration

I came of age politically in the late Reagan era and, even though I came to differ from him politically, he gave a speech in 1980, part of which has resounded in my heart ever since: "I know I have told before of the moment in 1630 when the tiny ship Arabella bearing settlers to the New World lay off the Massachusetts coast. To the little bank of settlers gathered on the deck John Winthrop said: 'we shall be a city upon a hill. The eyes of all people are upon us, so that if we shall deal falsely with our God in this work we have undertaken and so cause him to withdraw his present help from us, we shall be made a story and a byword through the world.' Well, America became more than 'a story,' or a 'byword'—more than a sterile footnote in history....I believe that Americans in 1980 are every bit as committed to that vision of a shining 'city on a hill,' as were those long ago settlers."

That part of the speech imbued me with a sense of what it means to be an American and set my expectation that my government would stand for what is right and good in the world.  I've found this speech echoing louder recently as I watch the news about our immigration policies being played out on the families coming here and I've been thinking about it a lot.  As I see and hear reports about kids being taken away from their parents not because the parents were abusive, but because they came here seeking something better, I keep wondering how that city on a hill, that beacon of hope for the world has turned into a jail cell.  This just doesn't seem like us.    


Recently, I was alone with my thoughts for a few minutes and I was trying to get beyond our response to illegal immigration and think more about the causes of it.  From what I understand, the majority of people immigrating illegally to the US are fleeing something.  They come from countries where there are violence and corruption, where education and healthcare are vastly inadequate, there are few jobs, and no opportunity to have a peaceful, normal existence.  They come to America because they want better for themselves and their families. Coming here takes enormous bravery, strength, and resilience because the journey is often harrowing.  They are often the victims of criminals on the way and they risk their lives in the arduous physical journey.  I understand that crossing a border without permission constitutes a crime and I'm not advocating for open borders.  But, if we are truly a "city on a hill," an example of standing for what is right in the world, how does that mesh with breaking up families, who must be terrified and who are completely at our mercy? People who immigrate illegally do so out of desperation and would probably prefer to stay in their home countries.  So if we can't agree about what to do about these issues, why aren't we trying to do something about the cause of illegal immigration, instead of just the effects?  Why are we not using foreign aid to help the home countries fix their problems instead of spending it here on treating people like animals?  


Because I'm no foreign policy expert, I assumed someone else had already thought of this idea, so I  googled it and, sure enough, we've done this before with success.  We used foreign aid and expertise to work with Colombia in the 1990s, starting under President Clinton with bipartisan support (remember that?) and continuing under President Bush.  We helped Colombian officials counteract illegal drug production and rebuild their social infrastructure that made the quality of life much better for Colombians.  And guess what?  Colombia is no longer a source of a great deal of illegal immigration.


Given this track record of success, why, WHY would we not want to take this option today?  Why wouldn't we want to be part of a solution that actually stood for something good, for helping our neighbors who need us and helping people have thriving lives at home, where most prefer to be anyway? 


Regardless of what you think of illegal immigration, the facts are that we pay here or we pay there.  Paying there by helping countries make themselves safer and more economically viable for their citizens is a thousand times better -- "better" meaning morally right *and* more effective -- than taking kids away from loving parents and putting people in jail.  I want my country, my city on a hill,  to help other countries manage their problems better and to treat people who do come here with compassion.


Project Colombia: http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-oe-0806-moreno-central-america-immigration-20140806-story.html

The Katie Chronicles, Real Life Romance Edition

Me: Katie, what are you doing?

Katie: Writing.

M: Writing what?

K: A story. I thought I'd write a romance story.

M: But you've never had a romance.

K: Yeah. I thought I'd just write what you and Daddy do.

So why am I picturing a romance story that goes like this?

Teresa texted her beloved, Jerome, breathless with anticipation. She typed out the message with trembling fingers, her thoughts wandering to later that evening. She typed, "What do you want for dinner? I forgot to put out the chicken to thaw." As she was biting her scarlet lips -- they were a little chapped from the aggressive work air conditioning -- she typed, "Are you taking Katie to gymnastics or am I? Also, can you check the cat's eye to see if it's goopy? I think it's infected again."

Look for that on Amazon soon.

The Katie Chronicles: Boyfriends (with Extra Awww) Edition

I can't remember specifically when Katie started showing an interest in boys. I know when she was a baby, there was a little boy named Owen in her daycare room and they were pretty tight. Every day, Owen would crawl over to where she was and they'd hang out. Somewhere I have a picture of them together. They both look so serious, like those pictures of old couples from a hundred years ago who got married at 16 and then held hands on their porch every night for 70 years while they talked about this year's corn crop.

I remember her first-grade boyfriend but I can't remember his name. He was too cute, with huge black eyes. He had an easily given, million-watt smile and you could just see the mischief radiating off of him in waves. Charm for days, that kid. He told me that he and Katie were going to get married someday, but alas, it wasn't to be. He moved.

Then there was Zach in third grade. He had funky, cool glasses and was a little fella. I've always eaten lunch with Katie once per week at her school and he would come over to join us occasionally. He was very serious and so polite when he was around me. I can picture him grown up, with a goatee and a blazer with leather patches on the elbows, thinking deep thoughts; a future philosopher, clearly. Katie asked if they could attend the school's end of year bash together so we took her (as we normally do). They said hi to each other and then went their own ways for the entire time, each jumping on the huge inflatable bouncy of their choice. Modern love, third-grade style, I guess.

On spring break this year, Katie went to a drama camp and she met a boy there, Wesley. She only talked about him as a friend but at the end of the camp, he gave her his phone number. (I'm still not used to kids having their own phone numbers.) They began an intense, emoji-filled correspondence that included him telling her that he "liked LIKED" her, and happily she felt the same. Oh, the euphoria that was in our house for a few hours!

Young Wesley is, in fact, young: about 7 months younger than Katie and he goes to a different school. This last Saturday was beautiful weather, so Wesley's mom and I met at a park so the kids could play together. Unlike the third-grade "Hi, I'll be over there" episode with Zach, they played together for a while, while I chatted with his mom. His mom told me that Wesley talked about Katie constantly during the camp week and had told his friends at school about her when spring break was over. When we were on our way home, I told Katie that Wesley reminded me of Jerome. He's tall and looks somewhat like Rome, has glasses like her daddy's, and has that same sweet, quiet-but-intense vibe. Katie agreed that Wesley and Rome are similar and then said, "Good! I want a boy who's just like Daddy." When it comes to her taste in boys, so far at least, I'm a fan.

(Side note to Jennifer: The arranged marriage between our kids is still on, as far as I'm concerned. These are just practice boys.)

Facebook, Privacy, and Missing the Point

I have been observing the coverage of the Facebook situation, including watching a little bit of the Senate testimony of Mark Zuckerberg (oy).  I admit, I find most of the coverage perplexing, especially the outrage.  Do people genuinely not understand how Facebook (and the internet in general) makes money for people?  I assumed everyone understood this, but maybe I have insider knowledge I’m unaware of because I’m married to a man who does marketing for a tech firm.  If that’s the case, let me share.

It takes hundreds and sometimes thousands of highly skilled (and highly paid) people and security tools to keep an online service running and growing.  That costs millions of dollars.  Whenever something is offered to us for free – a blog platform, a social media site, a video content provider, an app – the owners have to get money to run it.  There are two main ways to do that: make us pay to use it or offer it for free and sell ads.  Nobody has an unlimited ad budget, so they want to target their ads to the consumers most likely to buy their products.  This has always been the case.  It’s why you see different types of ads during daytime TV vs. primetime or on certain types of shows.  One of my favorite games while watching a TV show is “guess the demographic.”  Lots of estate planning and medication ads?  Older folks.  Lots of luxury car and glitzy travel ads?  Upper middle class, middle-aged people. Those ads are placed there because the network helps the company understand the demographics and preferences of who watches certain shows and helps them place the ads.  It’s the foundation of all marketing.  To their credit, Facebook does not sell user information, unlike many other services people use without complaint.  That’s not how they make their money.  If we’re going to act outraged over an ad sales business model – again, they're selling ads to companies, *not* your data to companies -- we’re going to have to spread that around to every other service that helps companies and organizations advertise.    

I’ve also seen some incensed assertions that Facebook is manipulating us into using their service. Yes, they are.  Just like every other service we use. Stores offer coupons.  Restaurants offer kids’ menus and delivery.  Bars run drink specials.  Every single business does everything it can to get you to use them over their competitors. Every single politician does everything she can to get you to choose her over her competitors.  People attempting to persuade us to do one thing over another is part of the social experience, and it’s not wrong unless it crosses certain lines, like lying. 

Another criticism I don’t understand is that Facebook is “watching” people.  Yes, Facebook also does some monitoring, as do other services like YouTube, to prevent their platform from being used by people like child pornographers.  None of us wants to see children being raped (or graphic violence, or any number of things) in our news feeds or on a YouTube video we stumble across.  They monitor user activity, usually through automation, to prevent this kind of abuse and to gather basic information for how we use the site, so they can improve services and get us to use it more.  See above about how they make money.  Not monitoring would allow abuse to flourish.

Underlying all this criticism seems to be the idea that what people do online is private and that companies should provide products and services for free.  There is no such thing as true privacy online. Anywhere.  We can alter privacy settings and our behavior to make something more or less private (and we should), but everything we do online is traceable and potentially being watched by someone.  Our credit card company is paying attention to our purchases to monitor for theft.  Facebook monitors for safety reasons and to bring us things we might like, based on other things we like.  Objecting to this is like objecting to a cop watching for speeders at an intersection or your boyfriend noticing you like lilies over roses and altering his purchases.  This can be abused, certainly – if your boyfriend goes from noticing your flower preference to stalking you – but monitoring itself is a fact of life. 

My concern with all this is the lack of understanding many people seem to have, but also because all the baseless outrage distracts us from asking better questions.  Does Facebook have some things to answer for in terms of how its platform was used *by others* (key point…not by them but by others) to allow a hostile foreign power to sway our elections?  Yes.  Do they deserve criticism for how s-l-o-w-l-y they responded when this became known?  I think so.  But from what I’ve seen, their biggest crime seems to be naivete and a lack of critical thinking about how their tool could be weaponized.  But if we spend all our time launching puerile personal attacks against Mr. Zuckerberg or acting outraged that ad companies are interested in making money, we’re missing the point.  And as long as we keep distracting ourselves from the real issues, the more vulnerable we are to individuals and organizations who actually do want to manipulate us for nefarious reasons.  Don’t be mad at Zuck.  Be mad at Putin, his allies and unwitting accomplices within our own government, and their willingness to weaponize any tool to win.

The Katie Chronicles: Homesick Chickens Edition

I am frequently told that Katie is my mini-me. She does look like me but she also acts like me, too. Exhibit A: The following conversation ensued while we waited for Katie's most recent gymnastics class to begin. 

K: What's that? [sticking her face about 2.4 centimeters from a work document I had in my hand]
Me: It's a strategic plan.
K: ....
Me: It's facts and knowledge.
K: So it's me, then?
Me: No. You *have* facts and knowledge. This *is* facts and knowledge.
K: Nuh uh. I AM facts and knowledge.
Me: No, you are a goofball.
K: No. I'm a goofGODDESS, Mommy.

Yep, those chickens I sent out have definitely gotten homesick and are coming back. You've been warned, world.

The Katie Chronicles: Southern Church Lady Edition

Children inevitably pick up the rules and language of the culture in which they are raised and Katie is no exception. She and I have had a couple of conversations over the years about Justin Bieber and his various adventures that somehow were the talk of the elementary school set. (Are they reading gossip blogs at recess?) Katie told me that he and Selena Gomez were back together and her skeptical tone made me think she didn't approve. I said, "Well maybe she loves him and maybe he's matured. I read a People magazine at Aunt Teresa's and it said something about him going to church the other day." Katie said, "Really? Good. He needs some Jesus in his life."

So there you go, Biebs. You have a Southern church lady in training who is now rooting for you.