The Katie Chronicles: Geographically Challenged Edition

 
Katie likes to watch The Great Food Truck Race on the Food Network and we realized that we somehow missed a season, so we've been catching up on episodes recently. If you don't know, the show involves seven or so food truck teams who all go to a state, are given a truck and other accessories, and they compete to see who can sell the most in a given city, who can make the best dish with a specific ingredient, and so on. The season we're watching takes place in Alaska, so Katie and I have been talking about Alaska during the commercial breaks. Last night, the teams had to go out on boats and fish. Katie was talking about the water and seafood and she said something to the effect of, "Well, Alaska *is* an island so..." I looked at her and waited for the punchline. She gave me a "what?" look.

"Katie...Alaska isn't an island. It's attached to Canada."

"No, it's not. It's an island!"

We went back and forth about this before I googled a map and showed her. Yep, there it was, attached to the west coast of Canada. She was flabbergasted.

"How come they always show it as an island when they show a map?" she said.

"Katie, they don't....oh wait. Is *this* the map you're talking about?"

I figured out that she sees maps that are America-centric, meaning they only show the lower 48, Hawaii, and Alaska, leaving out Canada and Mexico, like when they show a weather map of the US on TV. When I showed her just such a map, and asked her about it, she said, "YES! That's what they always show!" To be fair, those maps do make Alaska look like it's not attached to anything. So I had to explain that it's an edited map designed to only show the US, not a geographically accurate map. She was relieved and I felt better, too. I was beginning to see this as a parenting failure and was glad when we found the explanation.

The funny part of all this is she's actually been to Alaska. We went on an Alaska cruise a few years ago (I recommend it) and she *did* see Alaska from the water with shore excursions, just as on the other cruises we've taken...which were all to island destinations.

One of the really fun parts of parenting has been those moments when I get to see the world through her eyes and I realize that sometimes her view is totally her own. It was nice to be reminded of that and be able to solve a geographic mystery. (Mom still knows a few things, emphasis on few.) So, remember, if anyone asks, Alaska is a peninsula, not an island.

(I am contractually obligated by my youngest child to say that she blames the cruise companies. Royal Caribbean, you can expect her lawsuit to arrive directly).

The Katie Chronicles: She's Got the Look Edition

 From February 9, 2020

A day or two ago, Katie and I were hanging out in my room, letting the contractors finish their work. Katie decided to amuse herself by playing dress up with my clothes. She used to love clonking around in my heels when she was a toddler so I said yes in a nostalgic frame of mind. I’ve never been a fashion muse before. She came up with some interesting pairings and, in true teenager/celebrity form, she refused to cooperate with the momarazzi but she did provide a quote: When she came out of the closet in the green, she said, “I look like a pea who went to private school.” Ladies and gentlemen, in the spirit of a famous red carpet that is about to be walked in a few hours, I give you the sartorial stylings of Katie Brown.

The Katie Chronicles: My Grandpig at the Kitty Rodeo Edition

Katie loves cats, so her giving ours lots of love and attention isn't at all unusual. Recently, however, it went beyond affection, progressing more in the life coaching direction. I was sitting in our living room, minding my own business, when I looked up from whatever I was doing to see my youngest child lecturing Tulip the kitty about being 56 in human years and still living at home. 

Tulip was held like a baby, gently held accountable for her failure to launch into productive adulthood, and sent on her way, but not before I grabbed a photo to document the occasion. You can see by her expression how she feels about this little intervention, but after documenting Katie's lecture, I found another possible source of her feline frustration: Proof that she was ridden by a pig earlier in the day. I unearthed evidence of the kitty-pig rodeo action as I was scrolling through my phone's photos and discovered that Katie had done her version of photo-bombing, where she leaves these little pictorial presents for me. (She does this every so often). Katie told me I couldn't delete the photo because it was a picture of my grandson, Wilbur, who's chilling there with Tulip. Katie then told me that after Wilbur rode Tulip, Katie found him playing with my phone, trying to take a selfie. When Katie grabbed the phone from Wilbur, the story went, he snapped the action shot seen below. So not only do I have a trans-species grandchild I didn't know about, he is apparently quite mischievous. Later, Katie brought Wilbur out of her room, saying she had talked with him and that he wanted to apologize to me for using my phone without permission, which he proceeded to do, with Katie translating, as I apparently don't speak stuffed pig. I think the larger lesson here is that if you want to hang with us, you just have to be prepared for whatever comes. Meeting grandkids you didn't know you had, pigs riding cats, talking stuffed animals, interspecies life advice from a 14-year old....all on the table.

The Katie Chronicles, Soup Kitchen for Homeless Snails Edition

During these crazy times, we all have to find sources of light and I'm lucky to live with mine. Katie discovered we have snails in the backyard so she decided to make them a habitat, complete with a tiny house, a couch, shell bathing pools, fresh zucchini (she researched it), and a place to bury themselves in moss and wood chips. Their temporary home is a basket but she'll soon be moving them to a former gecko habitat. After putting the finishing touches on Snail-a-palooza, she decided to make tomato soup because her braces get tightened tomorrow and she knows she'll want soft food. That's not unusual but then I walk in the kitchen to see how she’s protecting her eyes from onion tears. Her sweetness and weird-yet-practical nature are definitely making me smile today.

The Katie Chronicles, the Birds and the Bees, Fish-Style Edition.

Well, I’ve ruined Katie’s life. Today we were watching a nature show about a zoo where they were separating out two fish from the others because they were having trouble breeding, giving them a little privacy and maybe a little Marvin Gaye playing nearby. Katie and I started discussing fish reproduction. Our kids have known for a long time where babies come from and how they’re made, but she seemed skeptical of the fish method of baby-making, so I asked her if she remembered Finding Nemo, which she watched about 3,742 times as a preschooler. “Katie, remember the scene where Nemo’s mom and dad swam down to the cave and watched the eggs? And then the mean fish ate all of them except for Nemo? How do you think the baby fish got in those eggs? Moms release the eggs and the dads fertilize them and then that makes babies. I’ve always wondered how the fish sperm doesn’t wash away before it can fertilize the eggs.” She gave me a horrified look as the reality of her beloved Nemo being made via fish sex emerged in her mind, apparently for the first time. I was surprised that she was surprised. Did she have some sort of mental image of the Immaculate Conception for him? So Nemo was a Jesus fish? And we thought he was a clown fish. Anyway, she buried herself in her blanket and screeched in mock agony. “I can’t believe you told me that! You ruined my life!” Mission accomplished I guess. If you haven’t given your kids at least a couple of things to discuss in therapy, have you even parented? #MarlinAndCoralDidTheDeed

Marvin Gaye's Let's Get it On 

Marvin Gaye - Lets get it on

The Katie Chronicles, Portrait of the List-Maker as a Young Girl Edition.

We are cleaning out drawers and closets as we slowly reassemble our house from the ongoing flood repairs and I came across a treasure chest of memories from Katie’s youngest years. First up is evidence that she is her mother’s daughter. She made a to-do list when she was 7 and here’s a selection of important tasks for the modern first grader, circa 2014:
Call Chandler to see if she can play yes or no
Play in my cichin [her play kitchen]
Ask to go to SKZ [Sky Zone, a trampoline place]
Read a book
Do mathe
Cook with mommy and dad
Rite a note
Eat peanuts or nutse [nuts?]

She also wrote a note to Rome that same year that says “Thank you for ever thing! Dear Daddy you are the best daddy ever. You give me ever thing that I need. Thank you for:
Taking cer of me
Giveing ever thing I need
And all of the above.” She also drew a picture of both herself and Rome (I know because she labeled the two people) and they are both giant heads with stick legs coming out of their heads. No bodies or arms, just legs and heads but they do have hair and facial features, so there something.

I was pretty ruthless in tossing a lot of the paper items I had kept but a few things made the “keep” pile and these are definitely two of them.

The Katie Chronicles, Bad Boys (and Girls) Edition

One of the subjects at dinner recently  that about any form of punishment so don’t put that on your application to become an ambassador or anything. We emphasized how mind-numbing and painful to the wrist it was. Katie disputed this and said she could do it, no problem. She even had a strategy to keep from being bored. We said “challenge accepted.” So after dinner she got out some paper and started writing. She literally stopped before I finished writing this post. Apparently parents do know something after all. We know just the one thing but I’ll take it.