A Word About "Goddess"

I think the only people who read this blog are people who know me fairly well but, just in case, I feel the need to explain my use of the word “goddess.” I’ve received a few weird looks over the years when I say this word, so here’s what I really mean.

When I was in my doctoral program, my major professor, Dr. Diane Cooper, had a party at her house for all the doctoral students. It might have been just for the women in the program; I can’t remember for sure but I don’t remember any men attending. We ate, played games and had a great time. One of the games we played was called “Go Goddess!” It was a fine game, if a bit cheesy and new age-y, but we played it and were all goddesses for the evening. We laughed a lot about it and a group identity was born. From that point forward, we were the goddesses. We greeted each other lightheartedly as “Hey goddess!” and also used the term to encourage each other. We didn’t take ourselves as seriously as the term “goddess” might imply but we were confident and strong and nurturing of each other, so we were goddesses.

I completed my doctoral program and took the goddess mentality out into the world. I call most of the women I know “goddess” at some point and it never fails to bring a smile to their faces, which I love. I call myself and other women goddesses somewhat lightheartedly but there is a serious part to it. I think most of us need reminders now and then that we are strong, powerful, benevolent, wonderful people when we choose to be. All that strength, kindness, and…well, “goddessness” is right there in us all the time, even though we forget sometimes. All we have to do is turn ourselves toward its warmth and light and we need other goddesses to remind us to do that. And hopefully we turn that light outward to the world and give it to others, which is the essence of “goddessness.” (I feel the same thing about men but I haven’t found a good encouragement word yet. “God” is already taken ;-).)

So I use this term to describe myself and others, for several reasons: it reminds me of a time of being connected to my friends and colleagues and it reminds me to remember the inner and outer resources that are available to me, even though I forget sometimes. I can’t control what others choose to think when they hear me say “goddess” but I truly hope they see it for what it is, and that they feel like goddesses, too.

Working on the Truth Badge

First the quick kiddo news: The potty training continues. Katie has been in panties for two weeks. I must say, those tiny little princess or Dora panties are too cute, unless they’re dirty and then not so much, but still…She’s done really well so far.

Ethan is working on his first badge, the Bobcat badge. Apparently this badge is all about what you know: the Scout motto, the Scout promise, the Law of the Pack, a recipe for the perfect cheese soufflé, all the normal stuff.

Otherwise, it’s pretty quiet on the kid front.

There has been a lot to think about lately on the political front. I am a moderate in that I listen to all the mainstream ideas, try to seek unbiased facts and then make a decision about an issue. I think individuals of both of the major political sides probably have good points but my major thought lately has been how very disappointed I am that political debate as been replaced by rancor and outright dishonesty. We have some life-altering issues ahead of us and they are complicated enough to require careful analysis and thoughtful debate. So it only hurts us to have all the noise and outright lies – shame on you Sarah Palin, shame! -- replacing the fact-finding and conversation we should have.

Another problem is that anyone with a reasonable, open-minded, fact-based approach simply gets shouted down and ignored. So here’s a proposed solution: I wish the media would all get together and agree on one thing. I wish they would agree that they will only give air time or print space to politicians and commentators whose comments have been fact checked by a non-partisan, objective third party (like here and here). All others, no matter how prominent they are, would get no coverage. So if Senator Liar Liar Pants on Fire or Mr. I'll Say Any Slap-Ass Crazy Thing to Get Viewers for My Show holds a press conference to spread the lies or the nastiness, no one shows up. Well maybe there would be one guy there who thought it was an Amway sales meeting. Otherwise, they'd get crickets until they shaped up.

But sensational comments, no matter how ridiculous or dishonest or damaging, make news and get ratings, so this will never happen. However…since the media counts on us as consumers for ratings or sales, maybe we have the power to force them to care more about the truth. If we pool our efforts, I think we could turn this thing around. And why not follow the example of Cub Scouts like Ethan and reward our efforts with a badge? Let's call it a Truth badge. We'll start with memorizing a promise. Repeat after me:

• I will turn off any pundit or news or toss any publication whose news content regularly doesn’t stand up to non-partisan fact checks.
• I will hold all politicians accountable for the factual nature of their comments.
• I will refuse to vote for politicians who engage in fear-mongering and incivility.
• For politicians who frequently talk about their Christianity, I will ask them to account for how well they’ve upheld the Golden Rule in their political lives.

It will take some time for the news outlets and politicians to get what we’re doing – and extra credit goes to anyone who sends them an explanation -- but we can do it. Let’s show them we care more about the truth and civility than about sensation and noise. Do we have a deal?

Bits and Pieces

Jerome: “Katie, where are you?”
Katie (from another room): “In my woom, Daddy. I make mess. Don’t worry Daddy!”

As you can tell, Katie now enjoys playing on her own in her room. This may not seem like a big deal but, for us, it means increased independence on her part and increased freedom on our part. Katie is engaging in imaginative play with her toys and “reading” her books “hersef” (as she says) and we think that’s important from a developmental perspective and from a quality of life perspective. She’s not as dependent on us to amuse her. Playing with her is fun but it’s nice if she can play on her own sometimes, too.

Katie is getting better with potty training and we’re going to be trying to transition to big girl panties very soon. I think we’re more excited by it than Katie. I asked her the other day if she was my big girl and she said no, she’s my baby. Oh well, baby steps, I guess.

Katie also likes to shush us a lot lately. “Stop talking Daddy! Too noisy!” I’m pretty sure she gets this at school, although we say it some here, too. A room full of toddlers can get insanely loud so I’m sure the teachers do their share of shushing the kids. Jerome is convinced there’s a room at the back of the school with an open bar for teachers. He thinks that’s the only way they stay sane.

In Ethan news, he’s a Cub Scout and Jerome is a Cub Scout Den Leader! Both Jerome and I were scouts, so a family tradition continues. Pictures to follow. Ethan is a tiger cub (if you're aware of the Cub Scout hierarchy, that will make sense) and he’s now in karate and kids chess, too. Busy boy! As parents, we're definitely feeling the increase in activities in terms of our schedules and "to do" lists. He’s enjoying first grade and seems to be adjusting well. He’s so tall and very skinny.

As you may know, Jerome lost 33 pounds over the summer and won his office weight loss challenge. That gave us a nice chunk of change for our cruise in early August. He has made a real transition in his life and health and I'm so proud of him!

So good times in the Brown-Raetz household. Hope you are well, too.

Katie and the Pider

Allow me to set the scene:

I'm putting Katie to bed and we've concluded our books. Next, we rock for about 10 minutes while I sing songs or talk to Katie. We often open the blinds and look outside, an attempt to get Katie to sit still and relax before bed. Katie notes any activity -- "Car! Wook, Mommy, car!"-- and we try to wind down. A couple of nights ago, we realized that a spider had made its web outside Katie's window. He looks like the spider pictured here.

And now we go to Katie's room, earlier this evening, after books have been read.

"Wan see 'pider." I open the blinds.

"There it is. It's just hanging out on its web."

"Oh." As if this is a very profound revelation.

"What's your spider's name, Katie?"

"Canny!" Translation: Candy.

"So you're spider's a girl?"

"No!"

"Is your spider a boy or a girl?"

"It's a daddy 'pider!" Katie says everything in exclamation points.

"So it's a boy spider named Candy?"

"No, Fwankwin!" (Franklin).

"You're spider's name is Franklin?"

"Yes!"

A pause while we bask in the spidery glory that is Franklin. Tired of looking at the spider, I slowly sit back in the rocking chair, taking Franklin out of view.

"Wan' see my 'pider!"

We continue to gaze at Katie's spider. He is quite a handsome arachnid, as 'piders go, I suppose. Nice coloration, remarkable ability to stay still and the web is quite lovely. My mind begins to wander and I think about how often a spider has to score a "kill" so it doesn't starve to death. Do they have taste preferences? Hmmm....

Katie breaks my reverie with, "Wan give 'pider hug!" I explain that he's too small to hug. I've learned to keep it simple with the explanations. There's plenty of time later to explain the details of human-spider relations and my general "No spider hugging" policy.

But our contemplation of Franklin has to come to an end. I put Katie to bed with the normal rituals. I put her in her crib. She says, "Mommy hug!" After a hug and kiss, I say good night. She says, "Wub you, Mommy" and then "Bye!"

It's probably not a big deal to anyone besides Jerome and I but Katie's never named anything and I like that she likes the spider and doesn't seem afraid of it. As long as she doesn't hug him...

Artist vs. Person or Artist is the Person? Some Thoughts on Michael Jackson

Since the news of Michael Jackson’s passing has been upon us, I’ve been thinking: Can we, or should we, separate the artist’s work from the artist as a person? (You can also insert politician or any other profession in place of artist in that sentence).

Here’s the deal: I try to be fair and base my conclusions on evidence. I try to think critically about everything I hear or read but, even so, I’m pretty convinced that Michael Jackson was a pedophile. He was an incredible artist who broke barriers and deserved his fame and success. He was also a victim of his success in that many people wanted to blackmail or otherwise get something from him and he probably never had a shot at a normal life. But I do think there were many of his personal choices (many of which he talked openly about) and other evidence that points to him being a pederast. I find that repulsive and for a long time I refused to buy any Michael Jackson music because I didn’t want my money going to someone who hurts children.

But over the years, I’ve read and talked to others who have a different view about how we should think about a person’s work and their personal lives. They believe you can, or even should, separate the artist from his work, seeing them as separate things. This is the logic I apply to my view of Bill Clinton. I voted for him twice and think history will show he was a pretty good president. He was no Lincoln but pretty good all the same. By most accounts I’ve read, he is amazingly intelligent, compassionate, and a warm and loving father. He was, however, a terrible husband and chose to lie to millions of American citizens he was sworn to serve (“I did not have sex with that woman”…well, it depends on how you define sex). For me, his personal choices are that: personal, and to be handled within his family. The fact that he lied to the American people is a big issue, but he lied about a personal matter. He didn’t lie about issues that got us into a war (W, I’m looking at you) or that cost us billions of dollars (W, again, looking at you) or that broke any laws (Nixon…oh never mind, you’re dead). His lie wasn’t OK but, to be honest, it’s the same lie that millions of people have told at least once in their lives. So, continuing this viewpoint, I should separate MJ’s art from his personal life and buy his music without guilt or feelings of ickyness.

But I’ve always believed that we are whole people, that our character permeates our entire self and that are actions are the evidence of our character. In other words, we are not a collection of shoe boxes, each with its own part of us – our parental self in one box, our spousal self in another, our professional life in yet another – but are, using this metaphor, one big box. Maybe our “box” has some dividers but basically all the pieces of us are connected. So if you’re a dishonest or arrogant or abusive spouse, you’re probably a dishonest or arrogant or abusive supervisor, or son, or friend. Maybe you’re more dishonest, arrogant or abusive in one area of your life than in others but those things are part of your character and that pervades everything in your life. This would lead me to believe MJ should be viewed as a whole person, reinforcing my refusal to purchase his music.

Maybe the answer is a little bit of both. Maybe we’re very complicated people. None of us is perfect (that I know for sure), and we’re all more successful in certain areas of our lives than others. We all have strengths and weaknesses. No new ideas with that statement and I would agree with that perspective.

I think I have an easier time separating the personal and professional with Clinton than MJ because Clinton, for all his faults, wasn’t hurting children. Hillary is an intelligent woman with economic options and she chose to stay in her marriage. I continue to respect both Bill and Hillary Clinton professionally even though their personal choices mystify me (for different reasons). The crimes that MJ was accused of, on the other hand, hurt children who had no choice and I see that as wholly different from the Clinton thing.

So what do you think? Should we separate the artist (or politician) from the person or not? Should Michael Jackson be remembered as a great artist who did some bad things, or as a pedophile who left us with some good art?

Raising the mini-goddess

So here’s the news about the youngest whippersnapper in our lives. Katie is pretty much like she always is: A new word every day or two, happy, and energetic. She has developed an attachment to her blankie in the past couple of weeks. She’s never been a “lovey” kid. She just never had that special stuffed animal, toy, or other “transitional object” (as the books call them). But now her blankie is her best friend. The pink one with the satin on one side and the fuzzy stuff on the other side. We’re very lucky with her because, other than a few little dust-ups, we haven’t seen much of the terrible twos yet. She definitely is feisty and tries the boundaries but she seems to adapt pretty quickly when she figures out that the parents are wise to the latest trick she has for getting her way. She tries it for awhile – fussing, temper, whining, whatever – and gives up pretty quickly when it doesn’t work. One of the things I like best about our day is any time we get to talk. Yes, that’s right, I have conversations with a two year old. I often need my toddler decoder ring to figure out what she’s saying, but she has a lot to tell me and is always very intent about getting her message across. She’s also pretty patient as I figure out what she’s saying. My favorite phrases are: nack (snack), gink (drink), tank you mommy, wub you mommy, and booze cooz (Blue’s Clues). She says “tank you” without being prompted so I guess the 10,000 times we said, “And what do you say?” have finally paid off! Her daycare is pretty good with reinforcing the pleases and thank yous, too. Another favorite is one that took me awhile to figure out. It sounds like she’s saying, “kiss ass” but what she’s actually saying is, “close eyes.” She likes to have me pretend to be asleep, thus the “kiss ass” directive. She makes me lay down and turn over on my stomach (“tun ober mommy”). She covers me with her blankie and says, “kiss ass.” Then she pats/pounds my back saying, “night night mommy” over and over. Then, after a minute or two, it’s “my tun mommy!” And we reverse the process, although it’s not as cute since I can say my Rs and am not two. This night-night game is apparently a big hit at school as all her little friends take turns playing it with each other.

Of course, a big issue in our house right now is potty training. We’ve got the Pull-Ups, the potty chair, the whole deal. She goes in the potty occasionally (“I pee pee in the potty!!!” is a frequent announcement when I pick her up from daycare) and is getting better at going more consistently. Our hope is that she’s pretty well trained by the end of the summer but that may be a bit ambitious. Ethan taught us that what more experienced parents say is true: They do it on their own timelines and you can’t force it. But we certainly encourage it!

She’s always been a pretty easy baby. Even in the womb, she didn’t keep me awake at night moving around like other women report their babies do. She had a definite schedule of movement and it always concluded by about 10.30. She stayed pretty still throughout the night. I was awake anyway most of the time (I pee pee in the potty! Over and over again!) but not because of Katie moving. She was a challenge early on because of severe reflux. I had always heard of projectile vomiting but had never seen it until Katie. I’m talking the real thing – no kidding, Linda Blair-style emanations -- several times a day. It tends to be a bit difficult to get used to but the various cleaning companies – clothing, carpets, furniture – enjoyed it. But even when she had pain from her reflux, she’s always been pretty chipper and easy to please. I can definitely see diva potential, though, just like with all kids, and so we’re working on making sure any demanding or unnecessary fussing is not successful in getting her what she wants. Truth be told, I like her feistiness because I love women who are strong and independent, but Jerome is not so fond of the quality in a child. I agree that there's a time and a place for it, but my perspective is that those hairy-legged boys are going to come sniffing around one day and a young woman needs to be comfortable with saying (and meaning) no, or she’ll not be able to handle herself very well and find herself in some places she regrets. Compliance makes our lives as parents easier but overly-compliant children make me a little nervous. Leadership ability later on in life depends on being able to think for yourself and I want to foster that quality now, and not try to instill it later on. There’s a fine line between feisty and bratty, though, so we make sure we don’t let this go too far and that we keep the balance between speaking her mind and respecting us as parents. I think I’ve convinced J that raising a future goddess means tolerating a little feistiness here and there. :-)

I think my favorite thing Katie does is dancing. Ethan danced some when he was little but Katie pops up and shakes a tailfeather whenever music comes on. She shakes her bottom, hops around, and moves her arms with abandon, all with a very intent and happy look on her face. I took a lot of dance growing up so I hope she enjoys this later on. We applaud loudly and sometimes dance around with her (“Dance, mommy!”)

Needless to say, they both bring us a lot of joy and I feel very lucky.

The life and times of Ethan

OK, here it is, time to update this blog if it’s ever going to grow up to be successful. So, I have to ask, what is this going to be?

Well, my purpose of starting this was pretty simple. I wanted one place I could point people who I re-connected with who wanted to know what I’ve been up to. That’s done. Next need is a way to update friends and family about the exploits of the kids as well as Jerome and I. I also have some random thoughts that I’d like to discuss sometimes. I am lucky to have fabulous friends and family and I value their insights but don’t often have a time to really think about and say some of the stuff that knocks around my brain on the rare occasion when I’ve actually gotten some sleep and the caffeine is working and it’s quiet enough to think. Plus, I really enjoy writing and the only way to get better at it is to actually do it. So, here we go.

I guess the first place to start is the Katie and Ethan update. I feel like I wax poetic every time I start talking about motherhood, but I can’t help it. I’m one of those people who is extremely happy being a parent, but I'm trying hard to not become one of those obnoxious, bragging parents. Anway, it’s a very difficult job and you don’t really know you’re succeeding at it until a fair amount of time has passed. The final exam in this class is not really for 20 or 25 years or so, until they become free-standing adults who are at least productive and, hopefully, are productive in a way that helps someone or otherwise makes existence a little better somehow, somewhere. But so far I love the process. Check back with me when they’re teens but so far, so good.

But I digress. Katie and Ethan. Well, let’s start with Ethan. He’s very smart and also empathetic, which I find wonderful. He’s the most effortlesly mannerly child I think I’ve ever seen. This boy is all about the “pleases” and “thank yous.” He reads very well, can do math (in kindergarten!) and seems generally academically inclined. He doesn’t seem inclined to sports or related activity, although he does take karate. He’s stuck with that the longest – tee ball and soccer were early interests that were taken up and abandoned – but he doesn’t really seem to enjoy it. He may just not be a sports kid. I don’t think his mom was and I know his dad wasn’t so maybe it’s genetic. He may be more of a bookworm or artistic but that’s all the more reason to encourage the physical stuff. That’s the great thing about being six. The world is still ahead of you, just waiting to be discovered and you can try everything your parents have the money and patience to support. A debate we have is how much to make him do regarding his activity. We want to teach him persistence and also that practice is the only way to get better at something. But, we don’t want to force him to do something that’s supposed to be enjoyable. Right now that’s karate. He loved it at first but now doesn’t want to go to practice and had a mini-meltdown before a recent belt test. So how long do we make him go and when is the point where we allow him to quit? I’d love to hear your insights, dear readers.

Ethan is a wonderful big brother to Katie. He has every reason to not get along with her. She’s the child of his dad and his step-mom, so she could easily be seen as competition for his dad’s love and maybe even the personification of the fear that all children of divorce have, that their parent will stop loving them the way their parents stopped loving each other. Add to that all the normal sibling rivalry stuff and you have an equation that adds up to potential loathing or at least eye-rolling toleration. But he seems to love her very much and she returns the feeling. He plays with her and she revels in his attention. She imitates him and just squeals with pleasure at the simplest games he devises. Of course, he loves being in charge of their play, in typical older sibling style. He’s also fairly patient with her and enjoys helping us with her. He’ll do almost anything to make her laugh, including antics that make me fear for his safety and that of the breakable items in the house. A recently purchased exercise ball is fodder for much hilarity between the two and much concern that our houseplants and knick knacks will not survive the year. I love to watch them together and I really hope they maintain that closeness as they grow up.

Ethan entered a “big question” period awhile back, where he seemed preoccupied with God. Can God lift a house? Where does God live? Today he asked Jerome if he had God’s phone number. And so on. I’m not sure we gave him the answers he was looking for – other than the whole God lifting the house thing, which was pretty easy – but we tried. It made for interesting dinner conversation. He asked me out of the blue one day how babies got out of their mommies. It was in the midst of setting the table for dinner and all the attendant “dinner, bath, stories, bedtime” craziness was ramping up. So, I took a deep breath, paused, and said (nonchalantly, I hope), “Um, mommies have a special place that expands when the baby is ready to come out and that’s how they get out.” I held my breath and waited for the inevitable follow-up: So where is this special place? What’s it called and how does it expand? And hey, how’d the baby get in there in the first place? I had a flash image of Ethan going to school the next day and announcing, a la Kindergarten Cop, that, “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.” (C’mon, you know you want to say it in your best Ahnold voice…it’s not a tumor!). But since he just said OK and continued setting the table, I either hit the mark of taking his question seriously without giving too much information, or I completely flummoxed him.

This thing is getting pretty long so more about Katie in a later post.