The Ethan Update: Baseball Jesus Edition

Recently, our family was all in one room and the kids were playing baseball on the Wii. Rome and I were talking to each other but (as you parents know) we always keep half an an ear tuned into the kids, so we can preempt any plans to condition the cats' fur with peanut butter, experiment with gravity by jumping off the roof, repaint the bathroom with Sharpies, etc. So Rome and I were talking about dinner plans and this comment from Ethan floated by: "Jesus wasn't very good at baseball." We stopped talking, gave each other the "Hmmmm..." look, and decided to inquire. Ethan explained that he was assigned a Mii in the game named Jesus and Jesus' batting was not up to standards, so he switched to another Mii. (We suspect the Mii was intended to have the Spanish pronunciation but our Sunday school-attending son read it the Anglo way). Sorry, Jesus. Walking on water, healing people, water into wine...just not enough. More heavenly batting practice for you!

The Katie Chronicles: Gunny Boo Boo Edition

In the South, target shooting is a somewhat common recreational activity and Katie's Alabama-raised grandpa is a gun collector. On a trip to visit him, Ethan spied a BB gun in the house....and thus commenced the begging, despite my admonition that he'd shoot his eye out. (It was a Red Ryder BB gun and Christmas time, so I was contractually obligated to say it). After some tutoring, Ethan took his turn aiming for a box-target and it turns out he's a good shot. Katie took her turn (with Daddy's assistance) and did pretty well, too. After she finished, Katie got very excited and ran to me shouting, "I SHOT A BOO BOO GUN! I SHOT A BOO BOO GUN!!

The Katie Chronicles: Working From Home Edition

I've just been informed that the kids' bathroom is now Katie's office. Given that she then asked me to make a sign for the door indicating as much, I'm guessing I'm now part of her staff, so here goes: Ms. Brown appreciates your call but she is currently unavailable. May I take a message? She told me that she has a phone call and a meeting later but she will get back to you after.

It's the Small Things

I like the big moments in life as much as anyone, I guess, but the small things are where my happiness truly lies. Here are some from today.
1. Things that make me smile #1: going into the master bath and seeing a random tiara left there. I guess princesses have to potty on the go, too.
2.  While I like a few of the newer holiday songs, I'm really a seasonal traditionalist. It's not really Christmas music to me unless it includes Nat and Bing.
3. Things that make me smile #2: Watching two kids dressed (for no good reason) as Harry Potter and Princess Jasmine decorate the Christmas tree.
4. I love NPR, and on a short trip to return library books it taught me that 10% of a dog's brain is dedicated to smelling. Ethan believes that 50% is dedicated to eating.
5. Neither nail polish remover nor lacquer thinner gets Super Glue off your hands. On the upside, I've had so many toxic chemicals on my skin today that I think I have a great excuse for any questionable behavior in the next week or two.
6. When you forget to buy candy for the kids' Advent calendar, that collection of Halloween candy leftovers goes from being a giant bag 'o tooth decay to a blessing that prevents one more trip to the store.
7. Jerome has had to correct Katie's pronunciation multiple times today...but I secretly like "ormanents" better.
8. Ethan is learning to cook a meal all by himself and has committed to cooking one night per week. Seeing the kids learn new skills makes me feel satisfaction on a level I never knew existed.
9. We have a color theme for our Christmas tree but it's largely a sentimental collection of ornaments. It reflects our lives, I think: some organization and forethought and a whole lot of holding onto what we love.

The Katie Chronicles: Coach Cooper Edition

Katie goes to after-school care and one of the kid wranglers there is Coach Cooper. He is a PE teacher by day and supplements his income by doing PE activities with the kids after school and on school breaks. He looks like a coach: Buzz cut hair, stands about 6' 2", always has a whistle around his neck...and Katie loves him. When you watch him with the kids, you can tell he's obviously found his calling. He's a giant goofball -- he calls Katie "Downtown Katie Brown" -- but he doesn't take any mess, either. Recently, I was dropping off Katie for a full-day camp on a school holiday. We were walking into the big gym area and we could see Coach Cooper at the end of the walkway about 50 yards away. Katie spotted him immediately and said, "There's Coach Cooper! I like him! He brings out the best in me." And I couldn't ask for more.

The Ethan Update: Speed Reading Edition

The Ethan Update: Speed Reading edition. Ethan has always loved to read and, if you've ever met him, you know he does everything in a hurry (we sometimes call him the Blond Tornado). He started reading the Harry Potter series on Thursday...and finished the third book today after church. He promised us that he did actually go to school on Thursday and Friday and did not spend the day at Hogwarts.

The Katie Chronicles: Love Priorities Edition

Out of the blue, Katie announced to me the following: "Mommy, we love God first, then our family, then our friends, and then our teachers." I'm not sure what prompted this but it's good to know where I stand in the love hierarchy. I'll take second.

The Katie Chronicles: SpongeBob Exorcism, Part 3 Edition

I've become convinced that SpongeBob SquarePants is an evil demon capable of possessing children, or at least one of my children.  A year or so ago, we cautiously started to let Katie watch a little SpongeBob after she begged and begged and begged.  She had outgrown most of the programming for younger kids and Ethan had watched some of it with no negative outcomes, so we thought we'd give it a try.  After a few weeks, we noticed that Katie's behavior had declined.  We wondered about causes and thought, "Surely SpongeBob couldn't be causing this....right?" We tried banishing SpongeBob and, sure enough, Katie's behavior improved.   We let several months go by, tried SpongeBob again...and behavior went back down the drain.  (Keep in mind that nothing else had changed.  This is apparently the effect of one cartoon.)  Fast forward about six months.  Katie seemed to mature a lot over the summer and was getting in trouble less.  Two weeks ago, she even got "student of the week" for her grade for having very good behavior the first three weeks of school.  She got her picture put up with the other students of the week and everything.  Of course, we had a big celebration and, at her urging, we invited Mr. SquarePants back for a visit, thinking her newfound maturity would prevail.  And by now you can guess what's been happening the two weeks since she got all the acclaim and Voldesponge returned.  So we've performed another Spongedevil exorcism....and I think this time he may be going on a more permanent vacation.  

The Ethan Update: Birds and Bees Edition

When Ethan was three, I was pregnant with Katie.  One day while we were setting the table for dinner, he looked at me thoughtfully and then asked me, "How will the baby get out, T?" This was out of the blue so I had an "uhhh..." moment but Jerome jumped right in.  "Mommies have a special place where the baby comes out."  Ethan seemed content with that and life went on. Fast forward 7 years and it's time for the advanced course.  Ethan will soon be attending a program through his school on puberty and reproduction. For some reason, this program is offered out of Fernbank, the natural history museum in Atlanta.  (We have NO idea why they're the ones doing this.  Baby-making *is* natural and it's the reason why we have a history, I guess?  Jerome and I, in our infinite maturity, wondered if they somehow incorporate the huge T Rex skeleton and dinosaur exhibits that Fernbank is known for.  "And when daddy T Rex finds out mommy T Rex finally doesn't have a headache, he lights some candles, puts on some Barry White-asaurus and...").  Jerome thought he should prepare E Money for "the big day," so he explained the usual terms and processes.  Ethan listened incredulously and asked several questions. When he'd learned the whole story about what goes where, Ethan declared it "disgusting."  Then it came time for his good night call to his mom. She asked about his day and Ethan said his daddy told him about making babies. Then came another of his thoughtful pauses...and he asked her, "Do you and Bryan [his stepdad] HAVE to do THAT?"  Another pause ensued -- this one more aghast than thoughtful -- while Jerome gave himself a hernia stifling his guffaws.  Ethan's mom recovered gracefully.  "That's a private thing, Ethan."  Jerome texted her later: "You are welcome."  Her response: "Oy vey."  Oy vey, indeed.

The Katie Chronicles: Bad Guys Edition

One of the most difficult parts of parenting is helping kids understand that there are people in the world who hurt others intentionally. It's challenging to help those sweet, trusting little souls understand enough to make them reasonably cautious but not so much that they become anxious and paranoid.  Last night, Katie got up teary and unable to sleep because of hearing a dinner time discussion of one of Ethan's upcoming assignments about slavery.  So I did what we all do:  I took her back to bed and snuggled with her, talking through her fears and how we'd handle certain "bad guy" scenarios. I reassured her that she was safe in her home and that her daddy and I look out for her all the time. Then I went back in the living room and prayed: Please God...please let that always be true.  

The Katie Chronicles: Potty Humor Edition

Katie had to write out the month she was born as part of her homework this week. According to her, it's Febewewee. I thought we were going through a lot of toilet paper that month.

The Katie Chronicles: Travel Priorities Edition

Recently at dinner, Jerome was discussing a business trip to Denver to train some colleagues. He then mentioned the need to train groups in their New York and London offices. I agreed that it sounded like a good idea, especially if it was coordinated with other schedules so we could go with. I said, "Katie, can you imagine us in London? That town will never be the same!" Katie took a thoughtful pause, then said, "Do they have hot tubs there? Yes, then that would be fun to go."

The Ethan Update: Mr. Wizard Edition

At dinner recently, we were discussing space and the subject of gravity came up. Ethan told us, "You need gravity to die from a fall; otherwise, you'd just float around. Also, it's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact." Katie doubtfully said, "Really?" Ethan replied, "Katie. I'm in *fifth grade*. I've studied Isaac Newton." He then told us he even knows Newton's middle name. So, America, please address all your physics questions to Ethan Brown PhD, PO Box 12345...

The Katie Chronicles: Plan for World Domination Edition

Katie regaled us with her plans for the future recently at dinner. She has apparently discovered what it means to be famous and her plans include being an international multi-hyphenate artist-athlete. She will sing in Atlanta, do ballet in Russia, do gymnastics in China, act in New York and France (“Is that where they do French, Mommy? Yes? Then yes, act in France.”), and tap dance in Australia, a hotbed of tap dance artistry, apparently. Then she will top it all off with getting married at Disney World. No kickoff date for this adventure has been announced, so stay tuned...

The Ethan Update, Around the World in Twenty Minutes edition.

Our ten year old, Ethan, has been at Servant Camp at our church all week, which means each day he did a service project in the morning and then did something fun in the afternoon.  So he has helped at a soup kitchen, spread mulch at a park, played bingo with elderly folks in a nursing home, given homeless pets some exercise at a shelter, and so on.  He has such a loving heart and I’m so proud of him.  I’m grateful to attend a church that helps kids learn to serve others.  This morning, I dropped him off at camp and the drive over gave us some time to talk.  NPR is usually on in my car and Ethan began asking questions, so we discussed Edward Snowdon, seeking asylum, and how people disagree whether what he did was good or bad for the country.  We talked about Nelson Mandela, what apartheid was, and why Mr. Mandela is such a great man (I got in a recommended reading plug for “Long Walk to Freedom” for when Ethan’s older).  And we wrapped up our tour of current events with gay marriage.  Not bad for 20 minutes on a summer Thursday.  

The Katie Chronicles: Classic Rock Lessons Edition

We were driving to the dentist and Katie wanted to hear some music so I was scanning through the channels. I asked her if she liked a particular song and she did, so we cranked it to sing Queen's We Are The Champions. (Ethan has always loved this song, too, so I've wondered if Freddie Mercury, in the Great Wembley Stadium in the Sky, is aware his legacy is strong with the elementary school crowd.) At the end of the song, she asked me what "no time for losers" meant. I tried to explain. Katie listened carefully and then said, "So really he's just bragging. That's not very nice, Mommy. He should be saying 'Good job' to his teammates even if they lost." Brian May and company, take note.

The Katie Chronicles, Tradition Edition

Shoes have been a big topic of discussion lately in our house. One of Katie's friends gave her two pairs of shoes with 1 inch (ish) heels on them. Jerome and I are pretty old school about clothing for our kids so this wasn't a popular gift. After much discussion of "But YOU get to wear high heels!" and how good people sometimes make different decisions than other good people about what kids can wear, I finally agreed to let her wear the shoes at certain times, like to church or around the house. Dad's not happy with this compromise and we agreed to let the heels die a natural death by not replacing them when she outgrows them. So fast forward to tonight. Katie needs another pair of summer shoes, so I took her shoe shopping at a local mall. She asked if we could please look for a pair of "appwopwiate heels" for her to wear, since she was growing out of the others. I said no, but she was happy anyway...because after the shoe purchase, I introduced her to one of the coolest things my mom ever did, ice cream for dinner.

When I was in second grade, my parents got divorced. My siblings, who are much older, were already out of the house, so it was just my mom and me. She was a working mom and was utterly depleted by the end of her 26 year marriage, which she had worked hard to preserve. And she didn't like to cook. So occasionally -- I suspect it was when she needed some extra cheering up -- she would announce that we were going to get Braum's Ice Cream for dinner. Their crinkle fries are divine, but no hamburgers or fries were on the menu for us. It was wall-to-wall ice cream for dinner. She always got a banana split and we would have a chance to talk about our day or whatever we were thinking about. My mother always talked to me like I was an adult, so these were serious conversations, at least to me. It doesn't get much better than ice cream for dinner and one-on-one Mom time when you're 8. So tonight, Katie got sensible, "age-appwopwiate" sandals, along with an introduction to a family tradition, mother-daughter ice cream dinner. My mom is smiling somewhere, I just know it.

The Katie Chronicles: Equine Edition

We will be taking a vacation to the beach this summer and one of the planned activities is riding horses. Katie has been full of questions about the horses, including whether they will be babies or full grown, whether you can ride a white horse, and whether we can ride the horses on the beach. She decided we probably could but not too deep in the water. Her two rules so far for beach horse riding are no jumping off while riding and do NOT bring a sword.

The Katie Chronicles: Prayer Time Edition

We’ve recently been saying  the Lord’s Prayer/Our Father with Katie at bedtime.  It’s so sweet to peek and see her eyes closed and hear that little voice repeating each part after me.  “Our Fadder, who aht in heaven…”  After that comes the “thank you” part of the prayer and the “aww” factor gets cranked up when she says thanks for her family, her little friends, and her teacher.  Then we move on to the “delaying sleep as long as possible” section, where she thanks God for trash, doors, Johnnie’s pizza restaurant, rocks, and anything else her tired little brain than think of.  

The Katie Chronicles, Civilizing the Heathens Edition (Guest Starring Ethan).

The scene is our car, on our way to an event:
Katie: Ethan, you have three big teeth that stick out.
Jerome and me, simultaneously: Katie! That's rude.
Katie: It's true!
Ethan: It *is* true. I'm not offended.
Me: Still, it's rude to comment on people's parts, Katie. Unless you're giving a compliment.
Thoughtful pause.
Katie: Ethan, I like your big tooth.

The Katie Chronicles: "One of Those Weeks" Edition

Katie had a tough one last week. Her class had a sub part of Tuesday and apparently Miss Thing decided to put the lady through her paces, so.....Katie got her "Choice Card signed," which is the modern version of getting a note sent home from the teacher. Katie wrote a note of her own back. Then, the next day she fell out of her chair, bumping her head bad enough to go to the school nurse. Later that evening we were playing Hi Ho Cherry O and she told me that it was fiction because it's not real, as opposed to non-fiction, which is real, so I guess her noggin sustained no permanent damage. 

Muscle Man

Ethan asked his grandmother for some hand weights for Christmas and we were a little mystified. I found out today he wants the weights because he has a crush on a girl and he thinks if he makes his muscles bigger she'll like him. His dad is on the case, giving him Lady Tips such as, "try talking to her." His first crush!  The "aww factor" is almost too much for me.  I want to pinch his cheeks, and high five him.  But....I've been sworn to secrecy, so shhhh.  ("Secrecy" in this case means I can tell others but I can't say anything to him).  For now I'm just keeping my prayers to myself: Please be a nice girl, please be a nice girl.

The Katie Chronicles, Mamma Mia Edition

(Background information: Ethan likes to greet us occasionally in the morning by laying on top of us and we call this being covered in Ethan sauce).  Katie and I were laying down on the couch together and she says, “Ethan!  Come here!  We need some Ethan sauce!  Mommy, you are the big spaghetti and I am the little spaghetti and Ethan is the sauce!”  I say, “Then what is Daddy?” Pause.  “He’s the meatball!”

Just Saying No...Thank You

I spent part of the afternoon yesterday getting two old fillings replaced. My dentist offers sedation dentistry and I've seen a similar dentist's commercial that says you will have "no memory of the procedure" if you use their sedation services. I have had great experiences with dentists and am not an anxious patient but I recognize that some people are terrified and need a little help. I'm actually more afraid of "having no memory of the procedure." What if I said something crazy? What if I stood up in the chair and started singing KC and the Sunshine Band songs? I can picture it now: "M'am, please get down. M'am! Please...no these aren't my, my, my, my boogie shoes. Please, come on down now. Yes, I do agree that 'Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight' is great advice no matter who you are. Now please. Oh forget it. Front desk, please bring the hose to exam room 4. We have a singer." So....I think I'll be passing on the happy pills, doc.

The Katie Chronicles: The Jig is Up Edition

Last night, I had just finished reading Katie's nightly stories -- three chapters of a Junie B. Jones book...Junie B is very big with the kindergarten set, apparently -- and put her down for the night.  Then I did something I almost never do.  I went to the pantry and got out some of my Christmas stocking candy (Andes mints and a Lindt truffle...yum!).  I set them on the coffee table and, before I could eat them, Katie came out of her room to tell me something vitally important about her stuffed animals or some such.  As she got close to me, she stopped in her tracks, looked pointedly at the candy, and then back at me.  She didn't say anything about it but that look said I had just confirmed all her suspicions about what adults do as soon as kids go to bed.  It's like her thoughts were in a bubble over her head:  "Candy!  I knew it!  When does Santa get here with the bounce house and cotton candy machine??"  

The Katie Chronicles, New Year's Resolution Edition

Marie Osmond recently appeared on our TV to tell us all about losing 50 pounds on Nutrisystem. They were showing the food and Katie turned to me and said, “Mommy, you should get that!” Ouch. Further inquiry let me know she meant I should get the ice cream sandwich they showed so she could have some. Whew. That was a close one. (She obviously hasn't noticed my post-holiday winter padding.) Later, she was running up and down the hall in a very focused, intentional way and I asked her what she was doing. "Working out," was the reply. Later, she said, "Whew! I feel good because I'm all worked out."

The Katie Chronicles: Matrimonial Edition

Katie told her Grandma Brown the following schedule for her (Katie's) wedding day.
1. The entire wedding party will go to a spa and have a massage, get our hair done, and of course have mani/pedis.
2. We will go to the wedding, where all the guests will get a massage. All of them. If you're keeping score, that's two massages that day for the wedding party.
3. Katie and her husband will kiss.
4. Katie and her hub ONLY will go on the honeymoon. When I asked her why I couldn't come along for that, she said it was because she couldn't come on mine (because she didn't exist yet), so it was only fair.

I have no idea where Katie's intimate acquaintance with spas and massages comes from but, if you're a fan like she is, you may want to make friends with her now to insure inclusion on that guest list.

Ethan told her to make sure she didn't just choose her husband on looks. "If you have a handsome husband who isn't nice to you, that isn't good. Make sure you pick someone who's nice." Smart boy.